James + Reece + Lola + Jessica

James + Reece + Lola + Jessica

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Losing It...

If there is one word I would use to describe myself lately, it would be this:


The words stark, raving and mad come to mind as well.

25% of the time I wish I was more motivated to start making things, whether it be quilts, dresses for Lola, dinner, cookies -- anything really.
45% of the time I'm worried about money.
50% of the time I'm worried about keeping my house clean enough.
60% of the time I'm worried about being a good daughter, sister and friend.
75% of the time I worry about my post-baby body.
80% of the time I worry I'm not performing as well as I want to at work.
84% of the time I'm on the verge of tears.
84% of the time I have no reason to be on the verge of tears and have no idea why I'm on the verge of tears.
85% of the time I reach for the ice cream as a form of comfort.
100% of the time I worry I'm not being an attentive and supportive wife.
120% of the time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with my baby -- teaching her, loving her, holding her, encouraging her, feeding her etc.

I realize that the percentages don't add up, but I've never been good at math and I have never pretended to be.

I have no explanation for my current state, I can only say that I've learned sometimes you just have to ride it out. Go with the flow. Put a smile on your face and kick your insanity in the buttocks.

I've also learned I married the most patient man in the world. If I were him and he were me, I likely would have shipped him to Mongolia for a few months with hopes he would return a rational person once again. I think he has to be a bit of a lunatic to love me. It takes one to love one, or so the story goes.

I am lucky. Extremely lucky. I know this. I have a gorgeous, healthy baby girl. I have the above-mentioned saintly husband by my side when I go to sleep at night. I live close to our wonderful families and can see them whenever I want. I have incredible friends who make me laugh and help me feel good about myself. We have some exciting, potentially life-changing opportunities looming in the very near future.

Hell, I have enough "buy one get one free" Great Harvest coupons to last me a lifetime.

But sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I question myself, my abilities, my worth.

I'm hoping this insanity goes away very, very soon. And I'm grateful I have a Heavenly Father who I can talk to who listens to me and comforts me and helps me see the good in myself.

Because if there was ever a quick cure for lunacy, that would be it.


Tracy said...

Don't worry, you sound just like me. And pretty much about every other woman I know. :) It's amazing how different we all are, and yet so similar. This same post could have been written by me.

AJ and Cindy said...

Jessica! You know I love ya and have those moments, too (since we are practically the same person!) I hate that you are feeling like that. Just know you are NOT a lunatic and you are an amazing person and a fabulous friend. I love spending time with you, heck, you keep me sane half the time! Can't wait for the nice weather, I think we ALL need some nice sunshine!

Danielle said...

I hear ya Jessica!

Genevieve said...

you are not alone in this Jess!

Adam and Tara said...

You know what Lunatic Jessica should do? Bring back Sailor Jessic!! If I remember correctly, sailor jessica always made me feel better :)

Kim said...

Yes, you are a lunatic :)

I love this post because it made me realize that you're human. I look up to you so much, and I love reading your blog to see what adventures you're up to and how adorable your baby is. I think we all feel inadequate sometimes. But just know that I think the world of you!

Jessica and Reecey said...

Thanks for the sweet responses. I have great friends who help me feel less loony!

Alysha said...

I love you.

Emily said...

you are so normal! or at the very least I could have sworn I wrote this post. (So at least that's somethin.) I worry far too much too... I'm working on it. Apparently it isn't good for my health to worry- so I worry about that too. ??? Right, that's gonna help. You're doing great. It's days like that when it wish it would be spring already and nature would stop messing with us! A nice walk always calms me down. And mini eggs. I like mini eggs.